Why Men Are Less Emotionally Available More Distant In Relationships? Lifestyle News
Sameera knew that Aakash could make her happy in a way that no one else could. And that gave her nightmares because she could never figure out what made him happy. "We have known each other for years and yet I fail to understand him," Sameera had cried every time they had a break-up.
Lost in their respective busy worlds of banking and academics—Aakash was a banker and Sameera was a young teacher—they hardly got time to spend with each other. While Sameera craved for his company, it never bothered Aakash that they spent more time with friends and colleagues than with each other. When Sameera started complaining, he laughed at her and called her an 'emotional fool'.
Was Sameera at fault for being emotional or was it Aakash's lack of emotions that needed to be addressed? The teacher finally learnt her lesson when her partner left for a get-together with friends in Goa without even informing her because he thought he needed a break from the relationship and Sameera would understand! She didn't wait for an answer. Sameera left an 'emotionally unavailable' Aakash after being in a relationship with him for five long years.
Does this sound familiar? Women falling in love with 'emotionally unavailable' men is not something new. In fact, most of us grow up believing boys are not as emotional as girls. Now, we have a research that supports this emotional inequality of genders! According to researchers from the University of Basel in Switzerland, boys tend to display callous and unemotional traits because of difference in their brain structure.
Although not all would agree to this, but experts in India believe that social conditioning might also be responsible for lack of emotions in men. "In our society, boys are taught from a very young age not to express their emotions because doing so is considered as a sign of weakness," said Dr Sameer Malhotra, Director, Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences, Max Super Speciality Hospital. "Earlier mostly women used to seek help for their problems related to love and emotions. However, now there's a significant rise in number of men coming in with love related problems."
Dr. Kedar Tilwe, Consultant Psychiatrist, Hiranandani Hospital in Vashi too agreed that the number of men seeking help for emotional problems are on the rise. "Recently, there has been an almost equal number of boys and girls coming in with emotional queries," said Dr. Tilwe.
It is a good sign that men are now opening-up about the emotional problems related to their relationship with their partner. This leaves us with an important question about what a woman like Sameera should do when stuck in a relationship with a man who does not share the same emotional level as her?
"First, it is very important for the woman to understand as to what is keeping her man aloof. It is very essential to know if the man's behaviour is due to some personality issues, a psychiatric ailment or contextual," said Dr. Malhotra, adding, "And in case the person is suffering, he requires a detailed evaluation, understanding and appropriate management. The woman needs to also figure out if there are any other priorities in her man's life.
"Relationship experts and coaches agreed that communication plays an important role is such situations. "It is essential to try and communicate to your partner your emotional requirements and needs, preferably in simple language that he understands," said Dr. Tilwe. "It's necessarily to understand that not all relationships are same. Some couples will require to establish emotional understanding and maturity in their relationship. However, if it becomes a source of concern then one can seek guidance through professional help such as couples counselling."
After understanding their partner's emotional quotient, what many women try to do is either adjust or convince their partner to change. "Trying to change a person is a very wrong approach. Yes, it is true that most men are less emotional than their partners. So, when a woman discovers their partner's emotional shortcomings, they try to adjust their needs and in doing so end up being emotionally frustrated or depressed," said relationship coach Shweta Malhotra, adding that it is good to compromise in a relationship but it should be mutual and should not adversely affect the people in the relationship.
While we may still continue the debate on which partner is less emotionally available in a relationship, experts agreed that more men are seeking help for problems in their relationship and there is no difference, be it emotional or physical, that cannot be resolved through right communication, a little adjustment and understanding.